“What do you see?” probed my mother with a worried look on her face, a look she failed to hide.
It’s been weeks and I have grown tired of seeing things in the day time. Yes, day-time. The remnants from my nightmares born from fragmented pieces of sleep, becoming nightmares in the day. And I drag myself through the day just like I have been doing for so many nights. The withering pictures linger in my mind every minute during the day and I catch myself lost in the ensnaring nightmare.
As a child, I used to have nightmares, memories of which I could never forget. After a period of time, the nightmares stopped. I guess that’s what bothered my mother. “What do you see?” she asked again with a look of concern. I pressed hard not to remember anything from the faded pool of memories that start haunting me as night slowly walks in. I looked at her and realized I had to make up a story soon. I had seen that troubled look many times. Quick! Quick! I told myself. So I recounted a totally different dream to her. A lie. That I saw shabby houses and screams all round, of little girls and women being tortured, of men being violently hit, furious mobs around and things being burned down.
There! She seemed satisfied if not really happy. Guess she expected the same old story.
About a woman. In a dark brown saree. Falling, from a height what must have been about 15 meters. From a building. First slowly, then faster and then being thumped on the ground. Chest on the ground. Face sideways. Hair still the bun dangling over her face. But all she is now is a mass lying in a pool of her own scarlet blood. She’s dead. There’s no doubt about it. I stand watching this as though she was someone I know. Horrified and tear-stricken at the same time. Suddenly, she raises her blood-stained face, her hair obscuring most of it. Looking me in the eye. Her eyes, I notice, are darker, empty, nothing but wearing a heart-tearing pained look.
And then before I can understand, her lips move. I am horror-struck. Tears that were flowing in full-force until now have slowed down. Did she say something or did I just imagine? And before I can even blink my eye, they are taking her away. I try to stop them. Hoping she is still alive, hanging onto the last bits of her dear life. But I am pushed away, ushered in a corner. “She’s dead,” someone says and I yell “No, not yet”. And I would end up screaming in my sleep and waking up half of my family.
But I wouldn’t tell my mom that. I couldn’t tell my mom that.
For a very long period of time what must have been years, I used to conjure up things that the lady from my dream was trying to say, coming up with self-made stories and filling my parents with dread of something that wasn’t there. That’s when I guess they made it a practice to make me recite prayers, certain anti-evil religious spells that gradually filled up the void in my mind that had housed that nightmare. They made sure I slept with an object of iron under my pillow, mostly a key.
“You still say your prayers at night, don’t you?” She inquired. Sometimes I wonder how parents know exactly which nerve to press and make you feel even worse. To be honest, no I wasn’t. But I didn’t say as much to her. My silence answered it for her. “It was easier to make you understand what we thought was right when you younger. You would listen. Now? Well now, we expect you to understand and not being made to.” I didn’t know what to say just then. “I hope you haven’t -“ started my mother when I had to cut her short. I knew what was coming like those numerous other times. “No mum, I do believe in God”, I completed. She waited for more but I chose to remain quiet.
“You were three and a little more then” told my mother without meeting my eye, “when it started. You would wake up screaming and sweating in bed at nights”, she continued. She kept her eyes fixed at a point on the knife she was chopping the carrots with. For a long time, she did not look up. She was afraid I would see the fear that had been a permanent tenant in her mind back from those years of my life. I gathered, whatever memories she had of me from back then, must be real terrible. I was still wondering how she knew I was spending sleepless nights, lying awake up to five or six when she threw something really unexpected and maybe, weird.
“Is it because of the books you read at bed-time?” and before I could defend myself she concluded, “Yes, that is it. How many times have I asked you to not read those sick murder and crime stories at night?” That’s when I realized that maybe she was trying to convince herself more than convincing me. I intervened. “Mum, I have just been busy and too exhausted lately. Nothing more. It’s not the books, I know. I will begin to pray. I promise”, I said. Now, I have never been an anti-God person. I do believe there is THE ALMIGHTY sitting up there. I do pray – Thanking God for everything gained. Mourning a little on every little loss. But lately, I haven’t been the-pray-before-you-go-to-sleep girl. But I will try. I assured her.
It was only later I would learn that my mother had found my diary on the bed-side table while I had slept over it. Only later I will find that the mad scribbling I have been doing for days, filling pages with the gory details of the nightmare were already read by her while I constructed a lie when she asked.
It made a lot of things clear.
Why I couldn’t find my diary as though it had disappeared in thin air? Why did it have to appear in my bag when I left it at the bed-side table? Why did mum have to come and sit with me at nights since the past week? Why had she adopted a standard coming-home greeting – “How was your day? What did you do?” Why did she have to come to check on me at nights when I pretended to be asleep? Why did she call me on my phone frequently these days while at work? and Why did she almost force me to tell her I was spending disturbed days and nights?
It explained to me the dreadful look in her eyes, the creases of concern on her face.
A rush of shame engulfed me for having lied to her. But I was quickly taken-over by rage for having my privacy breached. I didn’t know what to do. Should she have done what she did? Was she right in invading my little space like that? And was I the right person to decide that? Didn’t I lie to her?
I spent days of avoiding any possibility of the slightest conversation with her. I avoided looking her in the eye for whatever brief moments our eyes met. She knew and I could see it etched on her face. It only made me feel worse. For not having control over myself, my emotions. For being tactless in handling my issues and concerns. For making my worries, hers.
But in the meanwhile I had also learnt that I had to mask my expressions well. I still don’t know what caused the nightmares to return but I promised myself of not letting her know about the growing panic and the constant state of dread. Not showing the weariness in my eyes, the darkness caused by the limp figure covered in red while I struggle to live with the nightmares in the day.
So well drafted … Awesome
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Vivid and powerful storytelling.
The imagery of the woman falling and that whole scene, I could picture it.
Glad you’re still blogging away 🙂
And it’s so good to have you back. I missed having your stuff to read.
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This again was an awesome write-up!
I loved every bit of it. The buttery flow it had. All sections connected to each other in a real neat way.
Write more of such stories, or any story. I am in love them. ❤
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It was spooky, and frightful. Very well-written. Somehow mothers can always look through your eyes and tell you something’s wrong. In my view, it was right of her to read that diary. Because it is really soothing to have your mother at your side when you are fearing something horrid.
Love your blogs!
Happy to see you approve. It took really long to put this piece together. I am not so much into dialogue-writing. Trying my hands.
Yes, it would have been good to have my mother there only if this was true, but happily it isnt.
Nice to see you Maria. How’ve you been doing?
And thank goodness it isn’t! 😉
I am doing well, thankyou. Equally nice to be on your blog- its one of the most amazing I’ve ever found. And I was kinda surprised to see mine on your ‘Inspiring Blogs’ list. Thankyou for the honor!
Keep writing awesome =)
Being a parent is harder than we can guess till we’ve given it a try. And though most parents want to save their children some of the discomfort, pain… and sometimes even horror that they went through as children, it doesn’t always work out, because just as we can’t choose our parents, they didn’t exactly choose who we would turn out to be. Sometimes we don’t fit. Sometimes we make mistakes. I think it was all right to lie to her, if you didn’t want to share your problems with her, but don’t be too harsh on her that she broke into your space. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt. Maybe you should get a safe… where you could put things and they wouldn’t be open to anyone but you.
Thinking about it now, I guess, I’d have not reacted at all had it been me or had it been true, for that matter. But happily, this is just a fiction of imagination.
I quite agree with your opinion, sir. But Ill try to be reasonable if it ever happens for true. In the mean time, like you said, Id love to have a chest filled with all unpleasant memories that I could hurl at the bottom of the sea. That’d be so nice and comforting.
Hello, Asha, welcome to the blog Me & Ian or Spirit & Earthling.
If the above account is real please go to https://sites.google.com/site/themilkiswhitethebook/home and select DreaMeditation from the site plan. This will give you a lot of actual information about dreams and nightmares as well as why we have them. All the best.
Thank you Ian, for leading me where you did. Its quite a nice place to learn more about ‘The Unconscious You’ or your conscience. I will follow closely.
Reblogged this on I want that book!.
It is always an honor to be re-blogged. Thank you so much.
Ooo more compelling words from your keyboard, this is good stuff!
It took really long to piece this up. How does it read?
It flows well, I would be Miss Proud of it if I were you but if I were you I would also attempt to show off my ninja skills, no matter if i had the skills or not.
Coming from you, it makes me feel plenty awesome. Thank you,J.
But I’d love to see the ninja skills coming up in some of your posts nonetheless. I’m sure you’d be pretty good with that.
I will do my best but I may fall over a lot.
The kind of writer you are, that’s not possible really, J. 🙂
Gorgeous writing! Thanks for sharing this, Asha!
Glad you stopped by Christi!
Very nicely written Asha! Blessings!
Thank you Wendell!
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