In that moment…

I asked again, you again denied. And there was silence, all over again.

Why do you do this each time, asking me what’s going on? You’d said. I didn’t know what to say.
I am tired of this, you said, almost angry. I failed to understand what that meant.
Tired of what? Was it me or was it us? Say it. Oh, I so wanted you to accept rather than killing me each day.

Sitting next to you, on the cliff there, with feet dangling off the edge.
Watching your hair blowing in the wind. It seemed almost romantic.

And yet, everything was hollow, just like my heart. Turned upside down.
The last traces of something that used to be there, was dripping away. Was love there or it wasn’t anymore?
I was sure once, but right then, I was not so sure.

You looked at me suddenly. Like nothing was ever wrong. Like everything was just the same.
But tell you what? I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you that it was too late.
That I knew now what you’d kept from me. That I knew where you went.

Each time, I’d believed when you’d said, you couldn’t come. I’d believed when you’d said, please.
I was a fool to not see it then. But how could I have when it was so perfectly concealed.

I saw the look that said something, eyes not so betraying as your words.
I saw what he meant to you, and I saw it right through you.
I wanted to know, if it was me you were thinking of or him, while you were sitting next to me.
But those smiles always mislead me and it deceived me once again.

Your fingers were placed just inches away yet so distant they seemed to me.
I reached out my fingers to feel yours but somehow you knew because that’s what we always did.
And I couldn’t stop but watch how you slowly curled your fingers away.
Taking away what little was left of me.
I wish, I could hold them for the last time, in that moment, that day.

You looked at my face then studying those features as though you’d never seen me before.
Your gaze halted a little too long on my lips before returning to my eyes.
In that moment, I swear, I so wanted you, to kiss you, hold you and make you stay.
But you turned away just the instant when I moved a bit close.
I could feel the pain of losing, in that moment and so I cried.
It was not just you that you took away, but a part of me that you ripped apart.

Sitting there, sitting right next to you. I was thinking for the hundredth time what could’ve gone wrong.
We were so in love. But I guess it was just me, holding onto something that was long gone.
We were together, for twelve years, and for a hundred and twelve I’d dreamt.
Right then, a matter of twelve minutes seemed like ages to bear.

Without looking at me, you’d said there was another, I couldn’t see if you were happy or sad.
The words had not a pinch of pain while my eyes almost flooded with tears.
I’d watched you get up and walk away, leaving me angry and mad.
Not a reason, no explanation was given, none that I could ask for.

I’d lived a million memories in that moment and I knew that was all left.
And no matter what you’d said or done, but, in that moment, I swear I wanted you back.

–Asha Seth