I don’t know what happiness is. I don’t know what being content is. But I can hardly say I’m resentful anymore. When I think of the past, I think of everything that wasn’t. I think of everything there is now. I see the roads I’ve trudged and the ones I did not. I feel deep disappointment that followed me everywhere I went and after a point, they stopped. They came when you left. They’ve gone when you came back.
When you returned, I started to spin a tale almost beyond me. I was skeptical, more unwilling than wanting to accept you again. I barely wanted to open that jam-padded door. Thousands of what ifs. What if you walked away again? What if you hurt me again?
I still very clearly remember the night 2 years ago when I spoke to you again for the first time in 7 years. And as soon as I hung up, I asked myself, “What does he want now? What can he possibly want after all these years?” I was beyond me. Shocked than surprised. Almost immediately, I smiled and answered myself, “Maybe this time, he’s ready.” “And what could that be? I don’t think there’s anything I want anymore, not from him.” And the reply was there even before I asked myself that. “Maybe you do.”
Almost 2 years later, walking this road together, I’ve come to believe things I never thought were possible. Unlike Alice, there aren’t just six impossible things, there are many. And I don’t think of them at breakfast alone, but all through the day and the night and the next day and the following day and so on.
I have come to believe that,
- It’s okay to not have some dreams come true.
- It’s okay to not expect to be loved back when that’s all you’ve ever wanted
- It’s okay to accept rejections
- It’s okay to leave things unsaid and undone
- It’s okay to break down in a crowd and walk hazy eyes and maybe stumble and fall
- It’s okay to scribble pages and empty your mind
- It’s okay to spend sleepless nights
- It’s okay to come to accept the one killing truth, he’s not meant for you, no matter how perfect it seems
And most importantly,
- It’s okay to let go
I always thought these were impossible to do. Now, I see, how much more possible it really is. Leaving that boat sailing on dreams and stepping on land with gravel crunching under my feet, I realize it’s time to see the truth than spinning my own fairytales. When I walk, I feel the stones dig into my skin, it pricks, and it hurts. These stones are similar to those memories that could’ve been. That they won’t ever come true, hurts. But no matter how much it aches, the realization is better than walking on clouds and falling from a height that’d hurt inexplicably bad.
So, now, I know, why after all these years, you had to come back. I’d never let you go; I could never let you go. But now, somehow it seems possible.
I was totally wrong. Maybe we were never done. Maybe we were meant to be together, just not the way I’d thought and this is why you are here. To show me it was easier to forgive. To show me I was still capable of loving with all the broken pieces of my heart. To show me the places I was to be perfected – anger, grudges, sourness. To show me I could still be happier even after having given away my best possession. And most of all, to show me I am stronger than I thought I was.
-Asha Seth
Some people do come in our life for a specific purpose. It doesn’t mean they come purposefully for that purpose, but unknowingly they enter into our worlds, and go out of it leaving a lesson behind, unknown to them.
What lasts is us, the stronger us, the better us.
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Wow! I’ve been through such times, too, but I don’t think I can ever accept someone who left me alone when he comes back. That could be either because of my strong self respect or because of doubts that he might make me walk the same dreaded path again, I don’t know.
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You are so right it is so important to let go. Excellent post.
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A lesson learnt the hard way. 🙂
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But learned none the less
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True.
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Sometimes it is better to have learned hard than to not learn at all
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Yes, I agree with that, Jerry. 🙂
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peek a boo Hi Asha how are you?
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I’m well, Jerry. 🙂 The day just started. And you?
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I am well thanks for asking. Any advice on how you put together characters for a story?
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I guess you first prepare a skeleton of them defining their roles and relation with each other and then piece them up in the setting of the plot.
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hmmm ok
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I’m not an expert or anything but you may find a lot of reference material online.
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I have but it’s always good to get a different view point from a person you respect
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Question for you…what is your very on Sports ? Do we take it too seriously?
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good day Asha how are you doing ?
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A lovely yet thought provoking post! You “Its OK to …” list is quite well conceived as it applies to most of us. And as you said the last but most important is “Its OK to let go”. If only we can “Let go” all the others are taken care off.
On this theme please do read my blog link ‘Letting Go” ~ http://dilipnaidu.wordpress.com/2012/12/11/a-mantra-for-letting-go/.
Thanks and regards 🙂
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Thanks, Dilip. Will do. 🙂
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yes,asha its okay to let go. 🙂
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So very true. I can easily connect to your writing!!!
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Thank you, Khyati. 🙂 ❤
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Letting go is one of the hardest and most bittersweet things in life — and one of the most beautiful things to write about. You hardly think you can let go until you’ve done it, then you know you had it in you the whole time.
You have such a way with words. Beautiful.
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You are such a beautiful writer. I get lost in the way you put together your words. You are an inspiration to me, thank you and don’t stop writing.
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You are sweet. Thanks for waiting a while here.
Yeah, I pledge to write till the last drop of ink in my pen and then refill and write again. 😛
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“It’s okay not to have some dreams come true.” -Asha
I felt the tremor in my heart after reading your “It’s Okays.”
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Happy to see you here, Marix. You could list a couple of yours. Id be pleased. 😛
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This is a powerful post. What resonated with me was your elucidiation of the aspect of ‘ Letting go’. Quite a while back I had penned a post titled , “Happiness and the Theory of Relativity” and I quote a section from that which you might find of relevance.
QUOTE
So we come back to the question, “What is happiness?” I believe it is an attitude floating in relativity. An attitude to accept pain and disappointment as part of pleasure. An attitude to move away from self obsession while being obsessed.with our core values and commitments. An attitude to retain our faith as we face ridicule and hurt to that “me –first” self. An attitude to welcome the Good without being possessive along with the Bad without being disappointed. The attitude to “let go” when it no longer serves us.
Could it just be that such an attitude gets fostered in an environment full of uncertainty and challenge? An environment which simply does not allow us to seek refuge in our individualistic cocoons. An environment which allows us to “let go.”
UNQUOTE
Blessings
Shakti
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Terrific. Thanks, Shakti. I need to catch up with this post.
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What an intense and beautifully written post, full of intimacy and honesty. Your writing is really strong as ever and I really feel for you here, I like your positive outlook though, your desire to come out of your ordeals stronger and to want to share them.
Experiences make ourselves and our writing stronger, you my friend are up there with my favourite bloggers and it is always a pleasure to stop by.
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I am happier than ever to be amongst your favorites, J.
How’ve you been?
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I’ve been well my friend, just being a Ste J and carrying on with all the usual stuff. These days my life has settled into something that isn’t that interesting, apart from the odd burst of interestingness that is and your good self?
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Just beautiful.
see me at http://livingwithyourlove.wordpress.com/
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Soon I shall. Thanks, Dakshi, for stopping by.
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“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” ― James A. Michener
The post above entangles much of your emotion. Uncle James must be proud of you, Asha.
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Means a lot, Subhan. Thank you.
P.S.: I replied to your email.
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